Let me take a moment and talk about grief.
Just a little over 2 months ago my wonderful grandma passed away. She was a healthy 92 year old who had been living on her own since my grandpa died 10 years ago.
God's timing is perfect. My uncle who lives in Idaho came to town and was staying with her the day of her accident. As I said, she lived alone...so the fact my uncle was in her home in the morning...complete blessing...
To sum it up she had a brain bleed, ended up in the hospital, and for the next 5 days my entire family (all 25 of us) gathered together to be with my grandma as she slipped into what we think was more of a comatose state. It was painful, emotional, but also so wonderful to be able to be together laughing, praying, crying, and singing.
Family was everything to my grandparents. They loved all of us being together. The staff in the ER and hospice reassured us that she could still hear us even when she was unresponsive, so we knew she loved the laughter, church hymns, and stories we shared together.
She passed away on February 25th.
My dad and his older sister, my sister, and me were there when she passed. It was such a peaceful moment to witness. I wasn't scared when she died which shocked me. I actually found myself grateful to be able to witness her passing. We said the Lord's prayer over her with the hospice chaplin and a nurse.
...her funeral was the following Saturday, about two weeks before Covid-19 shutdown happened.
Again, a total blessing. God's timing is always perfect in retrospect.
It's funny to me how life moves forward. It's been over 2 months now and I still feel like she's around. Probably due to the fact that we can't actually gather as a family, and our churches are closed so the normal times I would see her aren't even happening.
But wow do I miss her. I remember when she first was moved to hospice and the giant clan of us moved with her up to her room. I began looking through my phone cleaning things out and I came across my voicemails (as you do, you listen and don't delete then your vm is full blah blah blah). Turns out, young me saved some messages from my grandma from over 8 years ago when I first moved to California for college. I began listening to her voicemails (which were a rarity, she hated leaving messages) and what started as laughter soon turned to tears, followed by more laughter.
I feel like death teaches us many things. Raw, untouchable pain that looks different every week, day, and hour. Sometimes it's laughter, sometimes it's full out sobs, sometimes it's complete numbness. I think it helps us regroup and realize that people in our lives truly impact us. When they are alive we don't think about the things we wish we could ask them, we just have normal "how are you" conversations. After someone you love dies, your mind opens this chest of questions that you would give anything to ask them. Or when big moments happen you quickly realize how much you wish you could call them up to share the news with them. Instead you are left imaging how they would respond and somehow that makes your heart reopen the grief wound all over again.
I know that this is life's way of showing you how precious life truly is but my goodness is it painful. That gut wrenching feeling of "Oh goodness, they aren't here, they really aren't here...I know they aren't but they are actually gone. Truly gone...".
I'm grateful to have been given a grandma like her. She never said she loved us but you knew she did. She showed it through her telling you she missed you at church, or that she didn't want to know that you were off gallivanting around Europe because it made her worry. Her 92 year old self would pick raspberries from her garden and give them to her family. She made me a quilt right after my grandpa died and let me pick out the fabric. When my parents were out of town she would invite my sisters and me over for dinner because she didn't want our 20 something selves to go hungry. And she always said "Well, good!" or "Oh, you are???" When she was over the moon about something exciting that happened to you.
My sister sent me a video that she took in December when we made Krumkake with her. I had no idea she had filmed us. It's a video of my grandma laughing at me trying not to spill milk as I brought it over to the mixer. She finished her laughter with a "You made it!" remark as I poured the milk in. I have watched it over and over and over. If it was a VHS tape I think the tape would begin to wear out. It always makes me smile and boy oh boy am I grateful to have that tiny snippet of her.
As time marches forward and people return to their lives, grief seems to cloud over with shadows of darkness. That's just how it goes. It's okay. Cry it out, dance it out, laugh it out, and cry it out some more.
May 2, 2020
February 15, 2020
29 and Unsure
Last weekend I turned 29.
It was both joyful and terrifying.
Joyful because I live for my birthday. I also love spending the day with my family.
Terrifying in the fact that this age sounds like one should have their stuff together. I in fact do not have my life together.
You see, I am 29 now which when I was kid meant that I would have the house, the family, the car all good to go and cute.
In reality I have the apartment, myself, and my dad's old car (which I do love btw), and that's all folks.
I'm not entirely sure why I feel on edge about the way my current life situation is. Maybe it is because time continues to tick forward while I still feel as if I am in mud up to my thighs. I think that there is an undeniable feeling of self doubt and insecurities that crop up if you are an unwed, and no children in your near future lady.
Struggling to find things to keep me calm, obviously I turn to God a lot more than I ever had before. I am also finding myself drinking more tea, sitting on the couch watching rom-com's, and also baking a lot. But I spose those are all good things. I have also started going back to the gym after 5 weeks of not going. Which is really beneficial for my mental state.
It's all a confusing time. I am pretty sure this post is poorly written, but I don't mind. Basically what I trying to say is I am now officially an adult approaching 30 and my life is not the "typical" package, but it's my own and I am on a different route that I am sure will bring me the most joy and self growth than I ever thought imaginable. There are a lot of growing pains still, and expectations that I have to release but that's life. Anyways, thought I would share that as I constantly have this inner dialogue to myself when I go grocery shopping for me, buy material items just for me, go places alone, drive by myself, come home to myself. It will all be fine because I will have some type of adventure.
My sister just came in and started excitedly screaming at me for blogging.
BLAH BLAH BYE.
May 30, 2018
England Day 10-York to London
Ah the last morning in York. Which meant our last B&B breakfast. THE SECOND B IN THE NAME. WHICH MEANS IT'S CRUCIAL.
It was diggity. I mean duh, full english, and all the orange juice. I stole a croissant and banana for later. Because I like to live on the edge of the kitchen chair.
We finished breakfast, checked the train times, and proceeded to check out of the b&b. I handed them a wad of cash and felt significantly light headed, but still breathing. I tried to negotiate a deal with the lady of the house but she wouldn't give me a deal. However, she did knock of 15 pounds since I didn't know you had to let them know (which I had) ahead of time to receive the discount. Oh well.
With 15 pounds in my pocket (joke), we rolled our bags down the leaf covered sidewalks, every then and again getting leaves stuck in the wheels of our suitcases. Luckily it wasn't raining. We just had to dodge pedestrians and little children. But we made it to the train station. And we were golden.
We were extremely unsure if we were catching the correct train since it was sleek and black and it didn't look like the other trains. But everyone seemed to board it just fine. So after my sister asking 4 different times and checking multiple times, we boarded the train. We sat in a quieter part of the train with, what I can only assume was school children. I checked our ticket seven hundred times to make sure we wouldn't be thrown off the train, and when the lady came around to check our tickets, nothing happened. So we worried for nothing, as per usual.
We arrived back in London, and raced back to our friend's place. We had to wash our clothes and make sure we cleaned his place before he came back that night from Japan. We are psychos/real good humans so we like to make sure people's homes look lovely. Therefore it was the fastest and most efficient wash and dry, and cleaning we had done. We completed all our laundry, and cleaning of the place and even made it to and from the store in 5 hours. We were exhausted. But clean.
I had been texting my mom throughout the day whenever we had service. See, this was the 4th of October. Which meant the next morning we were going to Paris for the day to celebrate my sister's 30th birthday, but it was a surprise. When we made it back to our friend's place I asked my mom if I could give my sister her card, or if they wanted me to video call them. They did. So after cleaning and chilling, I gave my sister the card, and my parents just sat by the Eiffel Tower with their friends, and wine, and cheese, and bread. She opened the card and was so confused because it said we were going to Paris in the morning. She had no clue what was going on and it was hilarious. Then we had to explain the plan to her three times over and she got really excited. Then we discussed options for the day and the fact that we had to be out the door at 5 AM to catch the early morning train. We were excited to see our parents and to just casually go to Paris for a day. Couldn't wait!
----A while later, after talking to mom and dad, our friend let us know he was about 30 minutes away.------
We hid when he came home. He had been texting us to give us his ETA. So when we heard the door jingle, we hid and when he walked through the door he goes, "Darlings, I'm home." We stayed hidden. We don't know how to greet people.
After a bit, we shouted WELCOME BACK! And then the three of us hugged and laughed and then quickly left for dinner. But this time closer to 7PM. Because we wanted to fit in. It was a good thing I gave my sister the surprise trip card, because our friend, who I had told the surprise to months ago, asked her if she was excited to go to Paris. He said he forgot it was surprise, but all was good since she knew already. She was still confounded that we had pulled a surprise off.
We headed to Duke's for dinner. It was a pub close to our friend's place and he was a regular there. We had been there before and I had also googled the menu before hand since I have dietary issues and hate having to pick and peruse menus being all indecisive. My sister on the other hand, she takes so long to decide you'd think she was being asked to choose between sleeping or music. We ordered drinks, and when it came time to order food our friend says to the waiter "I'll have_________, and these two will panic order." Yep. That is what happened. A true friend.
After dinner, we opened the wine which my sister and I bought to welcome our friend back. We had some wine, caught up while ballads were playing on the stereo. And then my sister and our friend started singing some Moulin Rouge, followed by Wicked. And my goodness I felt like I was at a broadway show.....
I don't think I slept much that night because I really missed my parents. And also baguettes.
It was diggity. I mean duh, full english, and all the orange juice. I stole a croissant and banana for later. Because I like to live on the edge of the kitchen chair.
We finished breakfast, checked the train times, and proceeded to check out of the b&b. I handed them a wad of cash and felt significantly light headed, but still breathing. I tried to negotiate a deal with the lady of the house but she wouldn't give me a deal. However, she did knock of 15 pounds since I didn't know you had to let them know (which I had) ahead of time to receive the discount. Oh well.
With 15 pounds in my pocket (joke), we rolled our bags down the leaf covered sidewalks, every then and again getting leaves stuck in the wheels of our suitcases. Luckily it wasn't raining. We just had to dodge pedestrians and little children. But we made it to the train station. And we were golden.
We were extremely unsure if we were catching the correct train since it was sleek and black and it didn't look like the other trains. But everyone seemed to board it just fine. So after my sister asking 4 different times and checking multiple times, we boarded the train. We sat in a quieter part of the train with, what I can only assume was school children. I checked our ticket seven hundred times to make sure we wouldn't be thrown off the train, and when the lady came around to check our tickets, nothing happened. So we worried for nothing, as per usual.
We arrived back in London, and raced back to our friend's place. We had to wash our clothes and make sure we cleaned his place before he came back that night from Japan. We are psychos/real good humans so we like to make sure people's homes look lovely. Therefore it was the fastest and most efficient wash and dry, and cleaning we had done. We completed all our laundry, and cleaning of the place and even made it to and from the store in 5 hours. We were exhausted. But clean.
I had been texting my mom throughout the day whenever we had service. See, this was the 4th of October. Which meant the next morning we were going to Paris for the day to celebrate my sister's 30th birthday, but it was a surprise. When we made it back to our friend's place I asked my mom if I could give my sister her card, or if they wanted me to video call them. They did. So after cleaning and chilling, I gave my sister the card, and my parents just sat by the Eiffel Tower with their friends, and wine, and cheese, and bread. She opened the card and was so confused because it said we were going to Paris in the morning. She had no clue what was going on and it was hilarious. Then we had to explain the plan to her three times over and she got really excited. Then we discussed options for the day and the fact that we had to be out the door at 5 AM to catch the early morning train. We were excited to see our parents and to just casually go to Paris for a day. Couldn't wait!
----A while later, after talking to mom and dad, our friend let us know he was about 30 minutes away.------
We hid when he came home. He had been texting us to give us his ETA. So when we heard the door jingle, we hid and when he walked through the door he goes, "Darlings, I'm home." We stayed hidden. We don't know how to greet people.
After a bit, we shouted WELCOME BACK! And then the three of us hugged and laughed and then quickly left for dinner. But this time closer to 7PM. Because we wanted to fit in. It was a good thing I gave my sister the surprise trip card, because our friend, who I had told the surprise to months ago, asked her if she was excited to go to Paris. He said he forgot it was surprise, but all was good since she knew already. She was still confounded that we had pulled a surprise off.
We headed to Duke's for dinner. It was a pub close to our friend's place and he was a regular there. We had been there before and I had also googled the menu before hand since I have dietary issues and hate having to pick and peruse menus being all indecisive. My sister on the other hand, she takes so long to decide you'd think she was being asked to choose between sleeping or music. We ordered drinks, and when it came time to order food our friend says to the waiter "I'll have_________, and these two will panic order." Yep. That is what happened. A true friend.
After dinner, we opened the wine which my sister and I bought to welcome our friend back. We had some wine, caught up while ballads were playing on the stereo. And then my sister and our friend started singing some Moulin Rouge, followed by Wicked. And my goodness I felt like I was at a broadway show.....
I don't think I slept much that night because I really missed my parents. And also baguettes.
England Day Nine-York
On our last full day in York, we kept it pretty chilled. I was feeling like a cold was on it's way due to the fact that my sister had been ill and she's real good about keeping germs to herself. And so I stayed in bed after breakfast and she went to York Minster to have a tour ( I had already done this tour when I visited with my parents in 2014.) I went back to bed and slept for a little bit, while she toured. When she returned we did this stuff....Instead of going to see these gardens that my sister desperately wanted to go to (they were closed due to the day of the week), we decided to visit the Yorkshire Museum. It's smallish and hold loads of artifacts. We spent a good chunk of time there. My sister obviously felt the urge to try on the viking costumes which had me in laughing fits for the majority of her dress-up. It was a bit colder that day, and overcast so after the museum we went back to our b&b, grabbed a cup of tea and biscuits and headed back out to walk the York wall.
The wall was built a zillion years ago, and since my sister likes to read me facts out of Rick Steves tour guide book I was thoroughly day dreaming about other things such as tea, and outfits that I'd like to buy someday.
I got a bit loopy on the wall, my sister and I were some of the only people walking the wall therefore, I found it a perfect opportunity to make another video of different ways to walk. My sister joined in on the fun and we were beside ourselves with how hilarious and clever we were. When strangers would pass by we would act "normal". We walked the wall for a long time, so long that I felt like we were in another town when we came off the wall. We were not.
We walked through a part of the city I had not been over to, we took loads of photos, found plaques and little gardens. Ogled over old churches and buildings (which is really ridiculously easy to do in England because everything is worthy of ogling.) We ended our walk by locating as many stores along the way to see if they had caramel digestives or aero candy for our sister. The best thing about going north from London is the cost difference. SO. MUCH. CHEAPER.
We filled our bags with our purchased goodies, and then argued over where to eat for dinner. I wanted a pub, but not. Annie did not want a pub, but wanted something like pub food. This is why our walk was so long post-wall. We couldn't agree upon a place to eat. We passed by a Primark and I had had enough of pulling my jeans up over and over again, so I bought an XL belt since I was desperate and the other belts looked cheap. Bought a belt. Saved my head from constantly being annoyed. And we walked back outside to still not decide on an option for dinner.
We decided on Pizza Express after 832 hours.
When we eat out we like to separate ourselves from the locals and eat dinner at a very cool hour of 5/6 PM. Yeah, the dining hall was empty. But our food came fast. BEST DECISION FOR DINNER, PIZZAAAAAAAAA. And wine. Obviously.
We went back to our B&B to have an earlier night for packing purposes, and to binge watch First Dates. Excellent choice. Oh and then we facetimed our parents for an hour, they were in France and heading back to Paris the following day, we were heading back to London the next day.
We were all packed and ready for bed by about 10, and off to slumber land we went.
The wall was built a zillion years ago, and since my sister likes to read me facts out of Rick Steves tour guide book I was thoroughly day dreaming about other things such as tea, and outfits that I'd like to buy someday.
We walked through a part of the city I had not been over to, we took loads of photos, found plaques and little gardens. Ogled over old churches and buildings (which is really ridiculously easy to do in England because everything is worthy of ogling.) We ended our walk by locating as many stores along the way to see if they had caramel digestives or aero candy for our sister. The best thing about going north from London is the cost difference. SO. MUCH. CHEAPER.
We filled our bags with our purchased goodies, and then argued over where to eat for dinner. I wanted a pub, but not. Annie did not want a pub, but wanted something like pub food. This is why our walk was so long post-wall. We couldn't agree upon a place to eat. We passed by a Primark and I had had enough of pulling my jeans up over and over again, so I bought an XL belt since I was desperate and the other belts looked cheap. Bought a belt. Saved my head from constantly being annoyed. And we walked back outside to still not decide on an option for dinner.
We decided on Pizza Express after 832 hours.
When we eat out we like to separate ourselves from the locals and eat dinner at a very cool hour of 5/6 PM. Yeah, the dining hall was empty. But our food came fast. BEST DECISION FOR DINNER, PIZZAAAAAAAAA. And wine. Obviously.
We went back to our B&B to have an earlier night for packing purposes, and to binge watch First Dates. Excellent choice. Oh and then we facetimed our parents for an hour, they were in France and heading back to Paris the following day, we were heading back to London the next day.
We were all packed and ready for bed by about 10, and off to slumber land we went.
January 2, 2018
England, Day Eight-York
On our second day in York, and our first full day to explore, we decided to tour the city. We first filled our stomachs full with the ever so wonderful english breakfast and tea. We stole two croissants for later (and by stole, we just took them off our plates). We then headed back to our room to finish getting ready.
We had to layer up quite a bit as York was having a particularly blustery day, but the sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful blue. We did the local tour where locals guide you through the city, filling you with information about the history of York. It was almost a 3 hour tour..completely outside but absolutely enjoyable. My parents and I did the same tour 3 years ago, but we went when it was during rain and windy, let's just say the tour was much much shorter. So I learned a lot more this time around. And we even went into a middle age church that had the original box pews. It was beautiful in an eerie yet wonderful way.
After the tour, my sister and I decided to find somewhere to eat. We wandered the shambles and tried to not run into the loads of people that were everywhere. We walked and walked and walked and couldn't decide on where to eat, that was until we passed a small tea room that no tourists were in. So we stopped there, ate tea cakes and drank tea. We tried to warm up a bit since it was slightly chilly outside. After lunch, we had planned on visiting the viking museum as it was recommended and my sister and I are extremely into Viking stuff (thanks The Last Kingdom). It was a bit tricky to find, but we located it, and were greeted by several viking dressed men, who scared me a bit (thanks The Last Kingdom). The museum was awesome, it had a ton of relics, and then you get on a ride to tour the "Viking Village" that used to be in York. It was like riding a child's ride at the fair, very slow, and very calm. But a great way to get off our feet and learn about the vikings that once lived in York. The ride drops you on the other side of the museum where you can view skeletons (my personal favorite). We even got to hold some viking relics. SO COOL. It was super fun!
Once out of the museum, we wandered around the town again. I think we were looking for something, but not sure what we were looking for. We ended up in a Tesco Express because we needed more snacks and wanted to find caramel digestives as we were finding it tricky to locate them. I think we ended up buying waters, candy, and more digestives. Then, outside we went. We still had daylight and some time before our dinner plans. The train museum (as it's free and super cool) was next on the list. It was a bit of a walk to get there, and Annie didn't believe I knew where I was going, but I knew. What did she know though, she had never been there before and I had...basically we found it.
We ended up getting there 30 minutes before close, so the viewing was speedy and brief. But we saw a load of trains, and they were the same as the one's I had seen before, obviously. We left the museum 5 minutes before they closed. We walked back to York and decided to go to The House of Trembling Madness for dinner. IT IS THE COOLEST PUB EVER. I had been before, which is how I knew where to locate it since it's hidden and not a ton of tourists know about it. Basically you walk into a liquor store, past the till and up the stairs. And then you are taken back into this other world. It's like medieval ages all over again. You have to be aggressive with your table choice. No one will greet you and no one seats you. So if you see someone moving, GRAB THE TABLE! We ended up in the snug after an hour of waiting and another couple stealing the table (they came in well after we had been there). We ordered our food and drinks. Then waited, what seemed like another hour, for our meal. But it was soooo worth it. I ordered the beef and lamb stew complete with hearty bread and a glass of wine. I can't remember what Annie ordered but we were both full to the brim and ready for sleeping forever. I began to not feel super great by the end of the evening, so we called it a night and after a shower, I climbed into bed to watch another episode of The Great British Bake Off and Come Dine With Me. Annie decided she would head out that night to go to the pub for their music night. I stayed in bed and tried to sleep.
She came home about 11 PM and said she had an awesome time at the pub, which I was relieved because I was playing visions of her being kidnapped or feeling alone the whole time she was gone. So phewwwwww.
And I still didn't feel too great.
We had to layer up quite a bit as York was having a particularly blustery day, but the sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful blue. We did the local tour where locals guide you through the city, filling you with information about the history of York. It was almost a 3 hour tour..completely outside but absolutely enjoyable. My parents and I did the same tour 3 years ago, but we went when it was during rain and windy, let's just say the tour was much much shorter. So I learned a lot more this time around. And we even went into a middle age church that had the original box pews. It was beautiful in an eerie yet wonderful way.
After the tour, my sister and I decided to find somewhere to eat. We wandered the shambles and tried to not run into the loads of people that were everywhere. We walked and walked and walked and couldn't decide on where to eat, that was until we passed a small tea room that no tourists were in. So we stopped there, ate tea cakes and drank tea. We tried to warm up a bit since it was slightly chilly outside. After lunch, we had planned on visiting the viking museum as it was recommended and my sister and I are extremely into Viking stuff (thanks The Last Kingdom). It was a bit tricky to find, but we located it, and were greeted by several viking dressed men, who scared me a bit (thanks The Last Kingdom). The museum was awesome, it had a ton of relics, and then you get on a ride to tour the "Viking Village" that used to be in York. It was like riding a child's ride at the fair, very slow, and very calm. But a great way to get off our feet and learn about the vikings that once lived in York. The ride drops you on the other side of the museum where you can view skeletons (my personal favorite). We even got to hold some viking relics. SO COOL. It was super fun!
Once out of the museum, we wandered around the town again. I think we were looking for something, but not sure what we were looking for. We ended up in a Tesco Express because we needed more snacks and wanted to find caramel digestives as we were finding it tricky to locate them. I think we ended up buying waters, candy, and more digestives. Then, outside we went. We still had daylight and some time before our dinner plans. The train museum (as it's free and super cool) was next on the list. It was a bit of a walk to get there, and Annie didn't believe I knew where I was going, but I knew. What did she know though, she had never been there before and I had...basically we found it.
We ended up getting there 30 minutes before close, so the viewing was speedy and brief. But we saw a load of trains, and they were the same as the one's I had seen before, obviously. We left the museum 5 minutes before they closed. We walked back to York and decided to go to The House of Trembling Madness for dinner. IT IS THE COOLEST PUB EVER. I had been before, which is how I knew where to locate it since it's hidden and not a ton of tourists know about it. Basically you walk into a liquor store, past the till and up the stairs. And then you are taken back into this other world. It's like medieval ages all over again. You have to be aggressive with your table choice. No one will greet you and no one seats you. So if you see someone moving, GRAB THE TABLE! We ended up in the snug after an hour of waiting and another couple stealing the table (they came in well after we had been there). We ordered our food and drinks. Then waited, what seemed like another hour, for our meal. But it was soooo worth it. I ordered the beef and lamb stew complete with hearty bread and a glass of wine. I can't remember what Annie ordered but we were both full to the brim and ready for sleeping forever. I began to not feel super great by the end of the evening, so we called it a night and after a shower, I climbed into bed to watch another episode of The Great British Bake Off and Come Dine With Me. Annie decided she would head out that night to go to the pub for their music night. I stayed in bed and tried to sleep.
She came home about 11 PM and said she had an awesome time at the pub, which I was relieved because I was playing visions of her being kidnapped or feeling alone the whole time she was gone. So phewwwwww.
And I still didn't feel too great.
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