July 19, 2012


I am looking into new schools. I finished high school 3 years ago and went off to a community college to get my AA. I completed that task (I call it a task because it was annoying and not fun) this last winter quarter. The next step for me is to transfer off to a 4 year university, where I will enter in as a jr. Only problem is I have no idea where to apply. It is unbelievably stressful. I had the intention set in my mind for the last 2 years that I would transfer to a school in state. I applied 2 times to both schools and was declined. As frustrating as it was I knew it wasn't time for me to go. I mean mentally I wasn't ready. But now I am ready. I can feel it to the core of my being that it is time for me to stretch my wings and go. I had every intention of looking into the same schools, reapplying, blah blah blah, but then my parents told me that I should look into California again (I was 100% certain I was going to CLU after high school, but then things changed and I decided no.). California has always been on my mind ever since I was little, I knew I would one day live there. It's just been out of the question for me for college because I don't want to be in debt after college (however that's kinda inevitable thanks to the economy). But my parents told me money should never be the determining factor for one's education and that I really should consider going to school down there since I love it so much. 
So bring it back to now. Here I sit day after day with this little bee buzzing around my head telling me California is where I should go for college. And well friends, that's where I am going. I just haven't picked out a school yet. All I know is So Cal is where I want to be. I love it down there. CLU had the best location-20 min from malibu beach, 45 min from Disneyland, an hour from L.A.. I mean it really couldn't be better....except I didn't like the school. So we are back to square 1, again. It is beyond overwhelming choosing a school, especially when the state has 49302 schools. I am running out of time and stressed out beyond words. I am going after my degree in psych and hopefully minoring in photography, or design or something along those creative lines. Ideally when I plan out my life, I want to be styling musicians or just being a stylist. I love fashion. Always have. Always will. And (not trying to brag) I am really good at putting ensembles together for other people. It's just like riding a bike to me. It makes sense. I love it.
So why psychology you ask? Well there are two sides of me. The creative fashionista with a flair for art. And the other side of me 100% science nerd. I love it. It's so fun being in labs, and the brain. Don't.get.me.started. It is amazing to me and makes my curious mind want to find out more. I fell in love with psychology in my first year at college, the way people think, act and live their lives, absolutely fascinating. 
Fashion is my passion 100%. I am gifted in that area, and I recognize that. It makes me happy. 
But being me, I like to be safe. So that's why I am going after psychology. Styling does not require a degree, and say in 5-10 years, if I am done with fashion and find it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, then I can go back to school and get my masters without going all the way back to the beginning. Yep. That's it. It's my safety net.

I guess I am just very confused right now/scared. I am ready to leave. Move. Have people miss me. Have the feeling of an escape and an excitement to come home at the holidays. Moving out of state is so out of my comfort zone it should be illegal. But if I don't do it, I won't grow, I won't learn to be independent, and I will stay at my comfort stage. I need to do it. I am positive that Seattle will never offer much in the ways of being a fashion landmark, I mean, people wear socks with sandals and fleece vests YEAR ROUND. Washington is beautiful and I will always call it home, but I am ready to leave this state. I can tell. I get a little burn in the pit of my stomach when I hear about others moving out of state for college and the burn grows even bigger when I hear they are going to college in Cali. I know it friends, I know that I am supposed to go. That these last 3 years of tears, anger, frustration, growth, and hard work, have brought me to this point, right now, where I feel a peace in leaving and an angst to go. I know God had this planned out for me the whole time. He continued to shut doors and open rather small windows, I would more or less call them mouse holes, to bring me to where I am now. Who knows what is to come. Looking back though, I can see how I got here. In the muddle of it I didn't. It's amazing to see how He knew I wasn't ready. I mean deep down I knew I wasn't but I was unwilling to let myself admit that. Wow. Feels good to say that. Ya. I AM READY. It's an exciting time in my life. I have such supportive family and friends, so if I need to come home I can. But wow. I am sitting here typing this in tears. I knew this whole thing, but typing it out, seeing it in ink is surreal. And emotional. Life is crazy, the ride is ridiculous and unclear, but once you get to a certain point it all makes sense. I am in shock right now. Sorry. I didn't mean for this to turn into a deep, sappy, post but it did and I'm okay with that. Emotions are real and precious and well you just witnessed mine.
All in all, don't give up on your dreams. It may feel like things aren't going to happen, and that you're lagging behind everyone and their mother, but you will get there. It may just take a little longer. But it will be that much sweeter when you get there. :)
I hope you all are well. Have a good evening.

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